Happenings, if you Please

Happiness is a state of mind. You are happy one moment and not quite so another. No revelations. No apologies if disappointed. What were you expecting, a sermon? In a philosophical, theosophical sense of it, nothing is permanent. Yes, granted. But what about that little permanency in life? Those few things you expect to last a long time. Long enough to call a life time? There are things which make you smile. There are things which make your heart do a little flip inside. Then there are things which make you smile from the bottommost depths of your heart. All the time you have this nagging at the back of your head. How long is this for? Is it mine for sure? It’s not a question of deserving, I’m talking about. That’s far too over shot from what I mean. It’s a question of whether you can call this cheer and joy yours. Are they yours for ever and for always? Are they here for your personal universally miniscule eternity? Is it all yours? Has it really happened? Or, hasn’t it? Is it an illusion?
What is it that makes you smile this way? Even if it’s an invisible smile, even if it’s within and not outside for the whole world to see. Will this happiness last? Can even time ever answer this? Will you keep biding and existing in a state of hope or non hope and just watch the proceedings? Forget participation, but do your ‘emotions’ on it influence it in any possible way? If they really, actually do, I have no plans of jinxing this unprecedented bout of favourable wind coming my way, if that is what is happening now.

By Far, Not the First of Its Kind, This Being, This..

Here’s something I should’ve done a long time ago. Goodbye, adieu, farewell, whichever you might prefer. I am sick and bored. I am not jaded. But yes, I am too blank and empty to go on continuing like this. Can you see and make out when a person is on the verge of it? Can you? If yes, then you might recognize my countenance. Can you be transported to another place in another time by just willing it? Would wanting out and making arrangements for it enable you to fulfill that? I am sure there must be SOMEONE who would’ve wanted to conduct these kinds of experiments in a life time. But I must suppose with equal surety that it is absolutely impossible to record the findings and leave behind a trail, without perhaps, terrorizing people, if we are considering that possibility. But since I do not wish to venture beyond the realms I can reason, we are not going to consider that possibility. When you’ve covered all those stages of wondering if you were so unwanted, you're not left with all that much to wonder about, in that respect. You're past ruminating on that and you want to move onto another level of wondering. And that would be? I’m still in search of an answer. There is so much to be done. Can being a workaholic solve things? Does anything ever solve anything else? Or does it offer a temporary deviation? I suppose I’d have to make do with a deviation for now, the now being, a life time of time; A life with a lot of time. A lot of time wasted in the illusion of life. From where I stand, of what I can see, or what I presume I perceive, personal life, if I may be permitted the romanticism, seems void. Really, how wrong is it, to suppose you can be naïve and imagine and perceive and believe in that mirage and actually get away with that? ‘Cos that is what it ultimately is, isn’t it? How big a price MUST you pay for choosing to go with the illusions life throws your way? Offence is the best form of defense. Look before you leap. Trust not, whatever comes your way. All that glitters is not gold. How many things would we have heard in one stupid life time? What is the point? All these so called proverbs, which are supposed to have concocted the epithets of life, the guidelines and rules for a so called meaningful existence, all of these, they just drop away. They fade into oblivion after a point. And then.. and then what? What are you left with? You're facing your naked true self in the mirror and everywhere you look you see just that. There isn’t much to see, by the way. Granted, there isn’t much to see. Then why do you still keeping coming face to face with this self of yours. All for what? Why are you here? Where are you headed? Why are these questions forever unanswered for good? Why do you have to keep coming back here?

30th October 2008

Stupid Classes. Stupid Place. Bugging Stuff. Will stupidities never cease? Sitting in class. Logged in and blogging away to glory. Life, I tell you. What's amiss? An ipod. Some mind numbing music. He he. Granted, it's still just thursday and not the weekend as yet. But the weekend fever's on. For that matter, it has been, for the whole week, hasn't it? Some week this has been. Most people webbing, many others chatting and yet some more still stuck onto the conventional means of entertainment - newspaper. Advantages of a wi-fi enabled boring college. Dam. I AM hyper-critical. Well. Not my fault boss. This stuff IS bore-ing. Well. Until I find something utterly useless to talk of again. Chow!

24th October

Net Ahoy!!! We finally and actually have internet in the college. And that, for us, is nothing less than what Tenzing Norgay might've felt. Ok ok. So we had nothing to do with it. But the wait I guess, more than makes up for it. I cant express my jubilation at typing in this blog from my college in the middle of a class. Shameless, I know. But it's ok. Its not like this class matters all that much. I don't know how many people are actually sitting online now. But, this I can say, not many give two hoots about whats happening in class. Ah the wait. Oh the struggle. Oh the un-connected existence! The wait is over. Once and for all! Ha Ha HA HA. Ok, that was supposed to be a mean laugh ;)

Speaking of which, it reminds me. Life's getting quite.. uneventful. Yea well, they werent exactly connected and this wasnt something I was reminded of when talking about that. It just felt nice to say that. Anyways. Life.. just seems to be getting more and more uneventful. The subjects are all basically uninvolving and unengaging. Not that I'm not trying. I did try in those finance classes, didnt I? Anyways.. Until next blog I guess...Chow!

19th of October

Yea yea. Grin away to glory. Yet another blog titled by the day and not by something original. Big deal! This week that passed was probably the most hectic week ever since I had come to this woebegone forest army camp. Jeeze! I just realised I have a hell lot to read and write now, suddenly. Waaah!! :( Well, extension of the hectic week. It was so much running around and all! Having been made the Class Rep and all has had quite a bit to contribute to it, I guess. He he. The bragger, yea! I wonder if things'l get worse still once the editorial work begins. I mean, how bad can people get? It should be easy, I'm hoping. Crap. Dam this keyboard. After the comfort of the keypad this keyboard seems like a drudge. Got a summary and a bloody review analysis on a dam huge company's annual report due. And yea, the inevitable weekend packing for yet another week of abstinent hostel stay. My language has gotten static. Thers like ZERO improvement since the past few billion years. Unless I get reading and soon, things are gonna worsen for me on the academic scene.

I've developed this strange nauseous sensation after eating anything. I wonder if I'm contracted jaundice or if my stomach has gone hyper sensitive to its capacity and has finally started signalling the same or if I'm going anorexic! 1st case, uh uh. I dont want it! 2nd case... not too bad a thing. 3rd case.. no ways! Being an anorexic is the last thing I'd want on my list. But I wish I could beat this feeling.

Well, long day again tomorrow. Until next week, I guess.

The Twelfth Day of October, Two Thousand And Eight, Sometime in the wee hours of the Morning ;)

I'm happy today. As in, the now-today. Lol. That implies I'm optimistic about life. Things seem and feel nice. The world's a nicer and happier place to live in. The sun is shining. Well, not exactly at this hour. But yeah. It's a nice feeling. :) Which kinda makes me think. About happiness.. What is happiness and.. How long does it last? He he. There I go again. Okay. I am going to make a genuine effort to not drift off to the dark side ;) Today was a fairly ok-ish day, actually. Nothing unusual or extraordinary. Woke up to the same sounds and noises. But strangely, it seems I murmured in my sleep. What, I'll never know. It piques my interest to know what I uttered when I wasn't saying things voluntarily. Cos.. That's my subconscious talking. And, that's gotto be interesting. And probably that has the answers I'm looking for too. But then, if it already had the answers, shouldn't I be less enthusiastic to find answers, to say the least? Maybe my subconscious has a mind of its own. Lol. Ah well, my bright sweet summery world. I think I'll retire, for tomorrow's one hellova long day. Ta-da! :)

How many times would I have been told to clean up the mess in my room? Just how many times was I told to pack my bags, study, be ready etc? Ready for what? Why, to get back to the hostel of course. And every time there's the same reluctance. Why? Desperation. In a frenzied state of desperation I come home, all ecstatic about a holiday. A prolonged holiday that lasts more than 2-3 days. And then? I wait and bide time lying online all day, talking to all, god knows whos. I bide my time. I eat now, only to go eat again later. I sleep, only to wake up. I wake up, only to go to bed again later. And I bide my time. I keep at it, till it can't be done any longer and I'll have to be packed off for the next bout of academic exuberance and dredging. And all for what? Just so I can wait unendingly for the next session of holidays. And so it goes.

Ok. So I'll take a minute off to examine this pointlessly monotonous existence. Everytime I hit this rock bottom, I sit and analyse. Except, I can firmly say I'm not really depressed or anything like that. Just plain bored. But what come of this gloriously scientific analysis - a Solution to life's problems? I WISH!!! Pattern. Monotony. Rut. Life. What change might I be seeking? Fun? Friends?.. On a rather deplorably pathetic note, people?

Why not Read something? Oh, I would anyday be glad to Read. Except, what is there to read? What new emotion or feeling can any poet or author talk about now? Science, I am not much into. Physics, I only wish I had a firmer grounding and a more solid understanding to appreciate it in totality. Philosophy? Sorry, I am too rebellious and independent to seek someone else's. Something that could rekindle lost inspiration? Yes. Perhaps. To what avail? Only so things could be glossed pink for some more time to come. And then this varnish wears off. And then... Then what?

This varnish lasts only till you can come back for another layer of varnish. That is till, say next week. So I suppose I won't have anything to say till next week. That is of course, assuming, I will have found myself something to read. Hope... We live off it, don't we.