Mud

Is it me or is it you or is it just that me and you make sense together? It's always easier and better when I write it down.

She: Hey..

Me: Hey.. what's up?

S: Are you still angry with me?

M: Me? Angry? I thought YOU were the one pissed with me. Remember, YOU were the one who never picked up any of my calls. I would've called you a million times. And you couldn't reply to even ONE of them?

S: I was sick okay? I was severely down and was going through my own personal hell.

M: You couldn't at least message to let me know you were'nt okay all this while?

S: I've been busy! I was sick, and then came my friend's wedding. I've been so damn jam packed, I can't tell you. It's just now that I've got time and breathing space.

M: Well should I be honoured you took time out of your busy precious schedule to talk to us mortals?

S: Stop being such a bitch! Come one! I thought you were pissed and that's why you weren't calling me anymore.

M: Um.. du-uh! After calling you a million times and not have you pick any of the calls up, I would be pissed and not want to call you up anymore. .. Anyway, all okay now?

S: Yeah, pretty much. Actually, I need your help.

M: (Awesome.. was wondering why the glitch didn't surface yet.. ) Go on..

S: There's this thing I got to do and I need your help with it.

M: Sure..

I may or may not meet someone worth my while, ever. I'm supposed to stay optimistic meanwhile, right? Despite the fact that I'm surrounded by people who don't get me, won't ever get me, don't care to get me and love their land of denial and shove their perceived right paths in my face and force me down them. Awesome sensation, really, losing yourself altogether and desperately looking for signs to know things are still okay. But really, it's just a progression of denial. It's like a life gone waste. It is, actually, if you haven't had a clue about what you were doing and why you were doing them, in a long long while.

Every stage, every step of the way, if you can't answer where you are, what you're doing and why you're doing it, that's the first sign things aren't going in the right direction. But that's a tidbit for those at the beginning stage of denial. Progressive deniers need something more sophisticated to realise they're in denial. To the above questions, they'd have answers, fantastic sounding ones too. But that's what they sound like, and aren't. Do the answers satisfy you? Are you happy with those answers? Do they make you happy? Are you , not ecstatic, not eclectic, not elated, not deliriously happy, insanely joyous; are you just content and at peace? Are you at peace with the answers that came up when you were introspecting?

If not, my friend, I have bad news for you. This is not your path, this is not your destiny. No matter the monetary costs, no matter what other people think. All the just doesn't fucking matter. You're silently dying inside and your insides know it. And they're trying to tell you that. You're denying it won't make it go away. Interference is the biggest enemy of self reliance. Don't be so lost. At least don't be so morose about it. We'll find a way. With a tune on our lips, a beat in our heart, headed in the direction of the wind, against the tide of faceless humanity pushing and eternally shoving us to go their way. When feeling lost, close your eyes. Focus on what you want to do right now, and just do it. This might just work, who knows! We shall..

People we leave behind

Today, I deleted one of my former bffs from my phone book. Well, she was more than just a best friend, she was my confidante, my philosopher, guide etc. But the operative term here is 'former'. There was no sadness as I did it. There was some bitterness up until this point. But not anymore. No matter how horribly insanely pathetically screwed up things get, people you call your own would still be there at least to hear you, even if it be for the last time. And in turn, would most certainly be able to talk to you about what's bothering them. The day that doesn't happen anymore, they're not worth a second glance.

So yes, metaphorically, psychologically, stupidly, I've considered myself a person of few friends so far. That's been rendered even literally now. Strange how the more people you meet in life, the more your circle expands, the fewer people you discover are worth retaining. Maybe it is for the best. How many relationships can we do justice to at any given point of time? And I'm not talking about having a relationship with your audience at a public meeting sort of thing.

It's not worth regretting ones we've lost. This is where their part ends. Let's be more aware of our story now, shall we? And so the heroine takes charge of her not so praise worthy life style and makes teeny tiny changes, building upon them, as she goes ahead. Uphill it is, from here. But she knows she has herself to rely on, always, no matter what. 

The time gone by

What does one seek, when seeking an ideal partner? For me, from experience now, I can say it's someone who's as strong as me or stronger than me, emotionally, for one thing. In life, when you're with a person who's emotionally not as strong as you are, you end up becoming the stronger one who handles the situations. If the person is worth taking the trouble for, that is. If you come across a stronger person, you're thankful for their emotional stability and steadfastness and gratefully hold on to them. But when you meet your ally, in strength, you rejoice and derive strength and stability from each other. You support each other through all the thick of life (thins wouldn't be a problem anymore, eh?). You become each other's partner in crime, a true companion you can count on to be your friend always, guide, when you need one, philosopher when there are things you need to hear. A whole and complete companion, one you would not want to let go of for life, or death. 

This, in the Indian setting, (not necessarily always orthodox) is expected to happen over some 'kundlis' and busy body elders brain storming. And in a parallel universe, some of us expect and hope for this in the form of 'love'. What if you fail at it? What if you suck at identifying the needful and knowing when to say no. What if, you prolong for longer than necessary and discover that all you're left with is some memories, quite an amount of pain and you're stronger than before. What if your pain threshold for tolerance and your sense of balance in life has only been elevated, where do you go from here? 

Not before long, you realise, you've been travelling the wrong seas all this while and have lost too much time in discovering that. Time, is lost for ever. The experiences you've had have made you wiser. The persons you've met have made you more cautious and wary. Have all these made your quest in life that much harder? .. 

Who's to know!