There's nothing where he used to lie. Conversation has run dry. That's what's going on. Nothings right. I'm torn. I'm all out of faith.. This is how I feel. I'm cold and I'm ashamed. The perfect sky is torn. You're a little late. I'm already torn..

An Uneventful Life's Uneventful Journal

Apt title. That's how amazing life feels rite now. I got home yesterday evening and will be on my way back tomorrow evening. And the one thing that was going on in mind when I went to bed yesterday was 'I dont want to go back ... I dont want to go back ... I DONT want to go back'. I never realised how imbalanced my whole life was going. I am forever fantasizing fun. And it forever seems to elude me. So what do we do about it? Go around and actually plan for some fun and have it? Nah! Who you kidding. We sit and write about it. Like we've always done in life. Like we've come doing, all these good number of years. I have been substituting food, chocolates and ice creams for fun and happiness and entertainment in my life?! I have been doing that all my life? And I have been incapable of realising that earlier and balancing the happiness and fun part of it before? Amazing revelation. Awesome step higher unto self discovery. So what now? What does that translate to now? Nothingness. As always. For one, there is this wonderfully laudable fate of mine which very carefully, with the utmost precision, surgically removes all elemental traces of genuine fun from my life. And for another, my unfortunate self takes care of whatevers left by chance. How absolutely splendid. I seem possessed by a sudden sense of duty binding when it comes to some chance or scope of fun in life. And then sit to laurel my fate. Sorry boss. My bad. So does that confirm I'm a manic depressive soul who's worth nothing else? Am I a decided loner? Am I doomed to spend this unfortunately wonderfully long life time alone? Am I doomed to a life of no fun? What was last year then, a blip in a dark cloud ridden sky? Whatever for? To ensure I know how sad sadness is and to fully understand the gravity of it? Someone please hang me before I get any more depressive than this. More depressive than this? Are you kidding me? Not likely! Or... Lol. Never mind. This is not done!!! It's been some 200 billion years since I've been to a movie. My last was Iron Man. And it's been even longer since I've lived and laughed for fun's sake. Where am I headed? I'm a sloppy silly 20 and fighting for my place with 25-28 year olds in a so called corporate jungle?!! Mummy!!! Yes! Mummy!! Grrr. This is all your doing. Sigh. What difference is it going to make now. How will it change the unfortunate glaring facts which never seem to leave me alone for some peace of mind. I was born for the world of dreams. For passions. For screams! For drama and action and panoramic attractions! I was born of the wind. To flow with the winds. To fly with the clouds. To sing with the springs. I was born to appreciate nature. To note and empathise with and create awareness of.. the subtleties of life. I am here to show what a wonderful thing life is.. What a joy living is.. Could be. Jeeze.. Cut it out. Back to reality. Ever wondered what created such frustrated souls like eminem .. or such abusive gangsters like 50 cent? You might be looking at one in the making.. Who am I kidding.. I aint a fighter homie.. Peace! .. Lol..

Musing Me..

I think I've finally hit upon it. I've gotten the nail on the head. The best way to not complain about something, it seems, is to enjoy it. Yea yea. Old rule, I know. But there's something about self discovery even if the rule was age old. Come to think of it. The assignments we're given are not so bad. They're applicative, interesting. They're kinda fun to read up on. Okay, the typing part's still classified manual labor. And considering the proportion of work to my age ratio, it's pure child labor (lol). But still. It IS kinda fun. Reading about something and knowing and deducing on your own about it. The crux of the work now comes down onto the term papers. They are 4000-5000 word analytical and critical, detailed essays on some burning issue in any particular subject. The subject that's currently concerning me is Organizational Behavior. The topic in this is on motivation. Has it changed face to seem like control and terrorizing in the name of enhanced performance boosting. Mighty interesting thing to study there. So it's back to college and hostel again. End of holiday. To add to it all, I may have a dragon to deal with on my return. Being hit listed for a day's unprecedented absence? You've goto be kidding me. What's with the back to school - kind of operation? Talk pressure management. Pressure should be academic and work related. Not a weapon for morale and constitution assassination. It's unbecoming of a professional institute to try and break the constitution of a student in the name of handling pressure. More academic work load? - Bring it on baby! More assignments? - Where's the party? More impromptu presentations? - Ooh La La. Brainstorming? - Can you see the wild excitement in my eyes? B-School is about all that! Not about fighting for water heaters or better rotis or Saturdays off. But like my folks tel me, you want that, learn to manage this. Sure. I'm giving it my best shot. Well.. maybe not my best shot. But I AM keepign my cool and gritting my teeth and getting on with it. But my question is, WHY in the name of all that's holy in the heavens am I supposed to keep up with this mediocre take on pressure? Such crass interpretation of measures for building a strong constitution and sustainable work ethic in the minds of the future corporate citizens can be nothing else but mediocre. But I suppose this kind of psyche is passed on from the upper strata from which the one I'm victim to takes all its inspiration. If that IS the case, then its too bad that the purity of sacred work and individual relationship, the Zen philosophy that says individual and his/her work are but one and the same, has been left to rot away to glory. I believe in that Zen philosophy. Indeed, work is but an extension of self expression. How you do something, the way you do it, and wholly, WHAT you do, speaks for you. And for me, a person is better off being known for what he does than for who he is or what he looks like. That is a more reliable measure of gauging an individual and understanding if in reality, he/she is worth anything their weight, be it in gold, platinum, or even salt! So how many are game for such a litmus test? Hmm. Time will tell, wont it? ..

Reminescences..

I met two of my best friends from my under grad today. I met them for just a couple odd hours I suppose. The feeling was amazing. I wanted to jump up and down several times when I was with them b'cos I was with them. I didn't know friends could make me feel this great. And now that I'm back to the confines of my abode and net enabled, I feel their absence. I miss them. Already. Been listening to Kahi toh from Jane tu ya jane na for a while now. My awareness of my pathetic tolerance of that pathetic place has just been amplified by my rendezvous with the people who've made life seem like a nice thing. I'll have to go back to that place, those people. That life, again tomorrow. Time is seriously not helping in this regard. Each time I'm home and have to go back again, it's the same sense of not wanting to go. I'd actually rather not go to college itself, honestly speaking. Who needs an mba anyways. How I wish this reiterative soliloquy had some weight. How I wish it mattered and helped shape up decisions and courses of movement. My one friend is already earning and the other will be, soon. I would too. Some time after 2years. It's not entirely that. I believe hostel existence has granted me that kind of freedom. I have access to as much as I can want. But. The fact is.. I'm still supposed to be grappling with what I'd like to call life facts and common sense. It's being attempted to be taught amidst the four walls of a very closed, very sophisticated looking prison. I want out. I want out of all of this. I keep saying it again and again, over and over.. for all my life. But who is ever listening. Not those angels up above, at least. And what has happened to that woebegone unfortunate feeling we call love, all this while? What about it? It's just there, blissfully oblivious to my existence.. showering generosity in places just around and about me. Fate has a sarcastic sense of humour. So why not me too, eh? And then there's this mortal relief for all sorts of challenges life can ever pose - shopping. Which, Gods be praised, does not work for me. I mean, how off COULD I be? I don't really relish shopping. Sorry all you pig headed marketers and manufacturers out there, if you think you've made life a paradise for the fools beneath you, you're sadly mistaken. You can't get to me. In fact, you've never gotten to me. Another abnormality for belonging to the feminine race, I don't really relish shopping. I never seem to find what I want or need. And I'm forever lost. If I find it, I find it immediately. Else, I never do. Stop. Okay, now I'm beginning to wonder.. How much can an average human soul actually complain in a single day? I seem to be bashing all possibly existing records black and blue.. Christ! I belong to the books and records. I deserve to be amongst a lot of music and books worth reading. I don't deserve this mortal struggle for existence crap. What am I going to do even after, lets say, I pass out with a proud mba degree? Go fight for my place in the corporate jungle? Yea right! This is the person you'd expect to go and live for profit maximisation. I'm the last person for that kinda motives in life. And philanthropy isn't exactly what they'd be looking for a corporate aspirant. I still would do all these crazy mad things that are soo not me b'cos... Bcos I don't know why I'm doing them. I really don't. Since when has that mattered anyway.

Faith Vs Logic

Back home for the weekend. I know, I know. It's not exactly the weekend yet. I guess we've got the British to thank for that, for deciding to flee on the very date which happens to fall tomorrow. Anyways. Here I am, This is me. There's no where else on earth I'd rather be(for now at least). Lol. Back to hot water baths and tasty foods, I find my faculties some what over enthu at the very thought of it all. How endearing! Okay. So here goes. It so happened that the other day in my college, we had a debate on "Faith Vs Logic" in the activity hour. There were quite some interesting arguments from either sides. But none very strong. None very impressionable, or so I felt. Can't be blamed for being judgmental. I can't really help if I can deduce and differentiate the cream from the crust. Two very nice questions were posed to either of the parties during the course of the debate. To the Logic group - "what do you think is the logic behind mother's love?" and to the faith group - "What if you found yourself face to face with a tiger, standing next to a tree, would you have faith in God and let fate decide?". Amusing stuff. Personally, I'm all in for the Logic group. I have my reasons. Call me a cynic is you please, but it has been scientifically proven that there is the release of a certain chemical from the mother's body during child birth which causes all of the attachment the mother feels for her child. What else can explain the amount she loves you after all the pain you've caused her? Talking of emotions, now. How many of us are familiar with the existence of chemical substances we call anti-depressants? If a faith theorist were to explain their existence, what would he have in his defense? The very fact that the intake of certain chemicals can alter the way you feel, perceive the world and life in it goes to show that science, the mother of all forms of logic, is behind them all. The very fact that one would undoubtedly run when faced with a tiger, proves one's innately inherent adherence to logical thinking. Faith might tell you to stand there and pray to the lord or goddess of your choice. No offense to the devout lot reading this. Talking of Gods and Goddesses and creations, if you would be so kind as to just observe the patterns laid down for the cycle of birth in the Hindu Dharma, one would understand that the Logic of Karma, or what we call, the Karma theory, is behind it. Bible says too, As you sow, so shall you reap. That is the purest form of the logic of tit for tat. I will go one step further to say, logic is the foundation of faith. Your sense of logic tells you it's safe to have faith in certain such and such events or things or people. Hence you place your faith on them and support them with all the agression and vigour life permits. So you see, Logic beats the pulp out of faith. It beats 'em all. More than anything, it makes sense! ... Say What?

Back to Business..

It's time to go back to hostel. And obviously I don't want to go. It's interesting to note human nature. The way we get used to something. The way we tend to build comfort zones wherever we are, wherever we go, whatever we do. Always.. Always we manage to locate scope for developing comfort there. And now I have to break this comfort zone and get back to fighting with the discomfort there on a daily basis, yet again, until it's next week and I'm off again. But there's something to look forward to next week. so i guess i'l go, willingly

I am Home.

Sounds like the serene opening or closing line of a movie that talks of great struggle and peace and calm in the end, doesn't it? Lol.. Well, in my case there's no such luck of a happy climax scene.. yet! It's a brief sojourn I'm talking about. Mom came over to spend some time with granny and me, with mom. Life feels so normal and nice and livable again. It seems much less like a struggle it's made out to be back in the hostel. I sleep, quite well. I eat, healthy stuff. I am back to normal, in ways. These two days that I've gone to college from home, have given me a nice new perspective to think about - Life of the day scholars. My conclusion with reference to academics remains unchanged though. Hostlers have all the time and no resources. Day scholars have all the resources and no time. What a life! I've gotten so used to the day scholar way of life in these 2-3 days that I'm not so happy at the prospect of going back to the struggle there. Obvious, i guess. Fact is, the environment there is so.. unmotivating. Not just the hostel, but the college as such. I suppose the management is doing all in its power to make life better for everyone. But, I guess I'm just in a different league. The same old feeling of not fitting in. I seriously wonder sometimes. I haven't felt like I fit in anywhere till now. Where the hell am I ever going to fit in at this rate? Honestly speaking, formal mode of education was never my thing. I've been brought this far. I don't have a choice but to finish what has been initiated by the people in my life. And then..? And then.. I don't know. Let my destiny decide. Or maybe.. my whims? Hmm..