For lack of something better

Miniscule and trivial as the cause may seem, for lack of a better cause, life seems distraught. To what occasion I owe this wrought of unrest and fraught of the more benign spirit of humankind, I may not and cannot concede to whatever hungry ears and eyes may now be devouring this piece of utter un-worth.

Thou art here and I know it. To what imaginable usage that can be put, is a question unto eternity? Is it thine intellectual disposition or your predecessor’s ineffable affection? What is it that hast bound me so? Which of you has my emotions chained rendering them unemployable for any other? Can I accredit you with so much for a mere acquaintance of a few months? Or can I undermine the impact of your predecessor’s affliction to the heart whose echoes leave me not after all the time that hast past?

For lack of a more noble and worthy cause, for lack of a more engaging habit, for lack of a more driving purpose, for lack of some source of engulfing employment I submit to thee, the most unworthy of causes, thou love.

Dramatic

A female is dancing. She dances showing what once was. She dances and dances and dances till all her energy has been exhausted. And when you think her desperate death dance is going to stop, she begins to go round and round. She turns and turns and turns, showing her agony in her face. And as she does this, her face and hands gently rise up in appeal. To whom? I wish I knew. They rise and finally she falls. Incapable of any further movement, she drops, lost in abysmal unconscious, dead to the world above and around that stands in mock dismay at a performance. That applauds a performance. That applauds what it perceives, to be a performance. A performance it is, a recital. A display, a show! Of a dying soul. Of a heart long dead. Of a being extinguishing. Of a thin wisp of white smoke that escapes out of that befallen being. Out of a being that once was. Now all that is left is a materially mortal remain only which the world has ever seen, or been able to see. Has at least that being that now lies dead to the applause ever seen anything more of itself than does its audience now? I wish there was some sort of affirmative, however miniscule. Alas. Mercy is not to be had. What is this? Tears? At a death dance? Whatever for? If nothing, you at least would’ve had enough sense to foresee this, I am hoping. You saw this. You predicted this. You knew it was due and you saw it coming. And yet, your all pervasive knowledge helped you not, in doing anything about it. You knew of its death. And you chose to be a spectator. So be it.

Some One Day

I am a lot more than all that. And I will prove it to you. Someday, when I am ready to show you and when you are willing perhaps. You presumptuous beetle, you. You thought you could write just because you had the tools to pen down in front of you? What is the extent of your knowledge? What have you been able to comprehend so far? What makes you think that what you say shall stand the test of time, let alone, a few other peers? What makes you think that you can come up with a random bunch of sentences and just get them to be passed on as your words? Do you know that events have consequences in the form of other events? Don’t you even know that what you say unpreceeded by thought, as always, has implications and shall indeed affect others around you and alter the way they perceive and react to you? don’t you even understand the fundamental fact that those others around you are human and not necessarily naively humane enough to excuse your idiocy of emotion and will not stand to stand by you no matter what? What blinds you from the fact that... you are meant to walk the path yourself. Yes, you are here by yourself. No matter what you do and how you do it to curtain and shield yourself from it, you are bound to be so. Yes, they will not come. Neither him nor him. Your way is perhaps as yet undefined in your mind’s eye. But already defined, it is. And you shall go just that way, like it or not. And reach you will, that ultimate pinnacle of destinations, whatever that may be for you. So stop not, that will not help you. Doubt not, that will not push you. Believe, blindly if need be, in the strength of the purpose of your creation and sustenance till date. And keep hitting.

to be contd..

I have been sitting here for the past, I don’t know how long and I have been trying to get some of this ‘useful’ info into my head. And what has gone in? Fairly less than little. I suppose I could have said an avalanche of material has gone into my head. But facts indicate otherwise. This still room, the blinding lights, the deathly quietness, although there is a distant music from some television far away. The entire disposition of the atmosphere is stillness. Except for the clicking of the keypad as I type in this useless piece. Life would have a lot more to offer you if you had a lot more to offer life.

And..?

I wish I could scream and announce to the whole world. Whatever for? I do not know. Just so someone might actually hear. I do try. And what do I manage to get out? A whisper? I wish. Nothing. Not even air. And the best part? No one’s listening. Don’t tell anyone that. It’s a secret. Of course, when no one’s listening, there doesn’t arise the question of its being leaked to someone. Anyone. I wish I didn’t have to be so aware of this fact. I wish I could live out the lie that encompasses and engulfs the lives of so many around me, whoever they are. I wish I could live a lie and pretend I’m happy. I wish I could live in oblivion. Yes, I would be untrue to myself. Yes, it would be a fallacy. Yes, I would be denigrating myself to being a hypocrite. Yes, I would hate myself fully and properly then. Yes, I would be living in a superficial and hypothetical state of being, the state of the so called happiness. Why all this hype over that state of being? Asian paints royale play ad featuring Saif Ali Khan. The new one with all the retro music playing behind him as he splashes and plays around myriad strokes. What do I say? Bad advertising job. Too long. Who’ll sit and watch so long an ad? They didn’t have to start from his getting up. I feel aloof. And I am so aware of it. I wish it didn’t have to come to this kind of a face-off self admission. I didn’t need this mirror moment now. Man, I hate growing up. Life’s best when you live it out in naïve oblivion. Ah that sense of ignorant happiness. That childhood. Those imaginary troubles. Hmm. A nose ring? I wonder.

Happenings, if you Please

Happiness is a state of mind. You are happy one moment and not quite so another. No revelations. No apologies if disappointed. What were you expecting, a sermon? In a philosophical, theosophical sense of it, nothing is permanent. Yes, granted. But what about that little permanency in life? Those few things you expect to last a long time. Long enough to call a life time? There are things which make you smile. There are things which make your heart do a little flip inside. Then there are things which make you smile from the bottommost depths of your heart. All the time you have this nagging at the back of your head. How long is this for? Is it mine for sure? It’s not a question of deserving, I’m talking about. That’s far too over shot from what I mean. It’s a question of whether you can call this cheer and joy yours. Are they yours for ever and for always? Are they here for your personal universally miniscule eternity? Is it all yours? Has it really happened? Or, hasn’t it? Is it an illusion?
What is it that makes you smile this way? Even if it’s an invisible smile, even if it’s within and not outside for the whole world to see. Will this happiness last? Can even time ever answer this? Will you keep biding and existing in a state of hope or non hope and just watch the proceedings? Forget participation, but do your ‘emotions’ on it influence it in any possible way? If they really, actually do, I have no plans of jinxing this unprecedented bout of favourable wind coming my way, if that is what is happening now.

By Far, Not the First of Its Kind, This Being, This..

Here’s something I should’ve done a long time ago. Goodbye, adieu, farewell, whichever you might prefer. I am sick and bored. I am not jaded. But yes, I am too blank and empty to go on continuing like this. Can you see and make out when a person is on the verge of it? Can you? If yes, then you might recognize my countenance. Can you be transported to another place in another time by just willing it? Would wanting out and making arrangements for it enable you to fulfill that? I am sure there must be SOMEONE who would’ve wanted to conduct these kinds of experiments in a life time. But I must suppose with equal surety that it is absolutely impossible to record the findings and leave behind a trail, without perhaps, terrorizing people, if we are considering that possibility. But since I do not wish to venture beyond the realms I can reason, we are not going to consider that possibility. When you’ve covered all those stages of wondering if you were so unwanted, you're not left with all that much to wonder about, in that respect. You're past ruminating on that and you want to move onto another level of wondering. And that would be? I’m still in search of an answer. There is so much to be done. Can being a workaholic solve things? Does anything ever solve anything else? Or does it offer a temporary deviation? I suppose I’d have to make do with a deviation for now, the now being, a life time of time; A life with a lot of time. A lot of time wasted in the illusion of life. From where I stand, of what I can see, or what I presume I perceive, personal life, if I may be permitted the romanticism, seems void. Really, how wrong is it, to suppose you can be naïve and imagine and perceive and believe in that mirage and actually get away with that? ‘Cos that is what it ultimately is, isn’t it? How big a price MUST you pay for choosing to go with the illusions life throws your way? Offence is the best form of defense. Look before you leap. Trust not, whatever comes your way. All that glitters is not gold. How many things would we have heard in one stupid life time? What is the point? All these so called proverbs, which are supposed to have concocted the epithets of life, the guidelines and rules for a so called meaningful existence, all of these, they just drop away. They fade into oblivion after a point. And then.. and then what? What are you left with? You're facing your naked true self in the mirror and everywhere you look you see just that. There isn’t much to see, by the way. Granted, there isn’t much to see. Then why do you still keeping coming face to face with this self of yours. All for what? Why are you here? Where are you headed? Why are these questions forever unanswered for good? Why do you have to keep coming back here?

30th October 2008

Stupid Classes. Stupid Place. Bugging Stuff. Will stupidities never cease? Sitting in class. Logged in and blogging away to glory. Life, I tell you. What's amiss? An ipod. Some mind numbing music. He he. Granted, it's still just thursday and not the weekend as yet. But the weekend fever's on. For that matter, it has been, for the whole week, hasn't it? Some week this has been. Most people webbing, many others chatting and yet some more still stuck onto the conventional means of entertainment - newspaper. Advantages of a wi-fi enabled boring college. Dam. I AM hyper-critical. Well. Not my fault boss. This stuff IS bore-ing. Well. Until I find something utterly useless to talk of again. Chow!

24th October

Net Ahoy!!! We finally and actually have internet in the college. And that, for us, is nothing less than what Tenzing Norgay might've felt. Ok ok. So we had nothing to do with it. But the wait I guess, more than makes up for it. I cant express my jubilation at typing in this blog from my college in the middle of a class. Shameless, I know. But it's ok. Its not like this class matters all that much. I don't know how many people are actually sitting online now. But, this I can say, not many give two hoots about whats happening in class. Ah the wait. Oh the struggle. Oh the un-connected existence! The wait is over. Once and for all! Ha Ha HA HA. Ok, that was supposed to be a mean laugh ;)

Speaking of which, it reminds me. Life's getting quite.. uneventful. Yea well, they werent exactly connected and this wasnt something I was reminded of when talking about that. It just felt nice to say that. Anyways. Life.. just seems to be getting more and more uneventful. The subjects are all basically uninvolving and unengaging. Not that I'm not trying. I did try in those finance classes, didnt I? Anyways.. Until next blog I guess...Chow!

19th of October

Yea yea. Grin away to glory. Yet another blog titled by the day and not by something original. Big deal! This week that passed was probably the most hectic week ever since I had come to this woebegone forest army camp. Jeeze! I just realised I have a hell lot to read and write now, suddenly. Waaah!! :( Well, extension of the hectic week. It was so much running around and all! Having been made the Class Rep and all has had quite a bit to contribute to it, I guess. He he. The bragger, yea! I wonder if things'l get worse still once the editorial work begins. I mean, how bad can people get? It should be easy, I'm hoping. Crap. Dam this keyboard. After the comfort of the keypad this keyboard seems like a drudge. Got a summary and a bloody review analysis on a dam huge company's annual report due. And yea, the inevitable weekend packing for yet another week of abstinent hostel stay. My language has gotten static. Thers like ZERO improvement since the past few billion years. Unless I get reading and soon, things are gonna worsen for me on the academic scene.

I've developed this strange nauseous sensation after eating anything. I wonder if I'm contracted jaundice or if my stomach has gone hyper sensitive to its capacity and has finally started signalling the same or if I'm going anorexic! 1st case, uh uh. I dont want it! 2nd case... not too bad a thing. 3rd case.. no ways! Being an anorexic is the last thing I'd want on my list. But I wish I could beat this feeling.

Well, long day again tomorrow. Until next week, I guess.

The Twelfth Day of October, Two Thousand And Eight, Sometime in the wee hours of the Morning ;)

I'm happy today. As in, the now-today. Lol. That implies I'm optimistic about life. Things seem and feel nice. The world's a nicer and happier place to live in. The sun is shining. Well, not exactly at this hour. But yeah. It's a nice feeling. :) Which kinda makes me think. About happiness.. What is happiness and.. How long does it last? He he. There I go again. Okay. I am going to make a genuine effort to not drift off to the dark side ;) Today was a fairly ok-ish day, actually. Nothing unusual or extraordinary. Woke up to the same sounds and noises. But strangely, it seems I murmured in my sleep. What, I'll never know. It piques my interest to know what I uttered when I wasn't saying things voluntarily. Cos.. That's my subconscious talking. And, that's gotto be interesting. And probably that has the answers I'm looking for too. But then, if it already had the answers, shouldn't I be less enthusiastic to find answers, to say the least? Maybe my subconscious has a mind of its own. Lol. Ah well, my bright sweet summery world. I think I'll retire, for tomorrow's one hellova long day. Ta-da! :)

How many times would I have been told to clean up the mess in my room? Just how many times was I told to pack my bags, study, be ready etc? Ready for what? Why, to get back to the hostel of course. And every time there's the same reluctance. Why? Desperation. In a frenzied state of desperation I come home, all ecstatic about a holiday. A prolonged holiday that lasts more than 2-3 days. And then? I wait and bide time lying online all day, talking to all, god knows whos. I bide my time. I eat now, only to go eat again later. I sleep, only to wake up. I wake up, only to go to bed again later. And I bide my time. I keep at it, till it can't be done any longer and I'll have to be packed off for the next bout of academic exuberance and dredging. And all for what? Just so I can wait unendingly for the next session of holidays. And so it goes.

Ok. So I'll take a minute off to examine this pointlessly monotonous existence. Everytime I hit this rock bottom, I sit and analyse. Except, I can firmly say I'm not really depressed or anything like that. Just plain bored. But what come of this gloriously scientific analysis - a Solution to life's problems? I WISH!!! Pattern. Monotony. Rut. Life. What change might I be seeking? Fun? Friends?.. On a rather deplorably pathetic note, people?

Why not Read something? Oh, I would anyday be glad to Read. Except, what is there to read? What new emotion or feeling can any poet or author talk about now? Science, I am not much into. Physics, I only wish I had a firmer grounding and a more solid understanding to appreciate it in totality. Philosophy? Sorry, I am too rebellious and independent to seek someone else's. Something that could rekindle lost inspiration? Yes. Perhaps. To what avail? Only so things could be glossed pink for some more time to come. And then this varnish wears off. And then... Then what?

This varnish lasts only till you can come back for another layer of varnish. That is till, say next week. So I suppose I won't have anything to say till next week. That is of course, assuming, I will have found myself something to read. Hope... We live off it, don't we.

To Write or Not to Write

This is the ultimate misfortune - writing for the sake of it and not because there really is something to say. Well, let us hope there will be something to say that will unfold by itself in the course of this pointless typing. The weather outside is as stable as can be and all calm and normal. Not at all something that would warrant any action or excitement. But I cant guarantee it won't change because I just made a specific mention of its normalcy. At the same time, there lies here an implication of a hope for something un-ordinary. That is inevitable. What am I ranting? God alone knows. Okay, moving onto less confusing and irritating things now.

I got new glasses! And they look hideous. For one, the lenses are so huge, they could be used by two people at once, besides me. I know. I suck at selections. I never claimed I had a great choice. I cant select anything. Clothes, jewels, colours, glasses. Nothing. Okay that's just one side of the story. The second part now. Whenever I wear them, it's like getting hit in the face. It's like a blow! The power's way too much! The doc said that IS the power. Then why does it seem so much more. Things are clear enough when I wear those glasses. But I end up giving myself a headache whenever I wear them. God..

Tsk tsk..

You feel your throat go dry. You can feel the clasp around it. You can feel the tears ebbing out. You feel your very life evaporating out from your body through... your mouth. And yet you remain seated just as if nothing had ever or ever will happen. How stony a person ARE you? But then, if you've managed to survive the biggest blow of all any heart can ever experience.. These are just thorns aren't they? Long, sharp thorns. You will live. You will see. You will feel. You will die a thousand deaths in your mind's eye. And remain alive at the end of it all. When will this stop hurting? When will the soul be rid of this experience? Why can't we choose to erase things out from our lives without inflicting the society with a malicious psychotic with a sweet day face and a creepy night one? Why can't you just pass out once and for all and finish the damn thing?! Ah, there lies the point. There's no finishing it that ways. You die, you die. You can't finish unfinished arrears that ways. You pay for all you ever did.. Die a miserable life. And then live to finish it with what the world perceives as death. And then? And then, you're liberated. Finito. The story's done child. Now go to bed.

There's nothing where he used to lie. Conversation has run dry. That's what's going on. Nothings right. I'm torn. I'm all out of faith.. This is how I feel. I'm cold and I'm ashamed. The perfect sky is torn. You're a little late. I'm already torn..

An Uneventful Life's Uneventful Journal

Apt title. That's how amazing life feels rite now. I got home yesterday evening and will be on my way back tomorrow evening. And the one thing that was going on in mind when I went to bed yesterday was 'I dont want to go back ... I dont want to go back ... I DONT want to go back'. I never realised how imbalanced my whole life was going. I am forever fantasizing fun. And it forever seems to elude me. So what do we do about it? Go around and actually plan for some fun and have it? Nah! Who you kidding. We sit and write about it. Like we've always done in life. Like we've come doing, all these good number of years. I have been substituting food, chocolates and ice creams for fun and happiness and entertainment in my life?! I have been doing that all my life? And I have been incapable of realising that earlier and balancing the happiness and fun part of it before? Amazing revelation. Awesome step higher unto self discovery. So what now? What does that translate to now? Nothingness. As always. For one, there is this wonderfully laudable fate of mine which very carefully, with the utmost precision, surgically removes all elemental traces of genuine fun from my life. And for another, my unfortunate self takes care of whatevers left by chance. How absolutely splendid. I seem possessed by a sudden sense of duty binding when it comes to some chance or scope of fun in life. And then sit to laurel my fate. Sorry boss. My bad. So does that confirm I'm a manic depressive soul who's worth nothing else? Am I a decided loner? Am I doomed to spend this unfortunately wonderfully long life time alone? Am I doomed to a life of no fun? What was last year then, a blip in a dark cloud ridden sky? Whatever for? To ensure I know how sad sadness is and to fully understand the gravity of it? Someone please hang me before I get any more depressive than this. More depressive than this? Are you kidding me? Not likely! Or... Lol. Never mind. This is not done!!! It's been some 200 billion years since I've been to a movie. My last was Iron Man. And it's been even longer since I've lived and laughed for fun's sake. Where am I headed? I'm a sloppy silly 20 and fighting for my place with 25-28 year olds in a so called corporate jungle?!! Mummy!!! Yes! Mummy!! Grrr. This is all your doing. Sigh. What difference is it going to make now. How will it change the unfortunate glaring facts which never seem to leave me alone for some peace of mind. I was born for the world of dreams. For passions. For screams! For drama and action and panoramic attractions! I was born of the wind. To flow with the winds. To fly with the clouds. To sing with the springs. I was born to appreciate nature. To note and empathise with and create awareness of.. the subtleties of life. I am here to show what a wonderful thing life is.. What a joy living is.. Could be. Jeeze.. Cut it out. Back to reality. Ever wondered what created such frustrated souls like eminem .. or such abusive gangsters like 50 cent? You might be looking at one in the making.. Who am I kidding.. I aint a fighter homie.. Peace! .. Lol..

Musing Me..

I think I've finally hit upon it. I've gotten the nail on the head. The best way to not complain about something, it seems, is to enjoy it. Yea yea. Old rule, I know. But there's something about self discovery even if the rule was age old. Come to think of it. The assignments we're given are not so bad. They're applicative, interesting. They're kinda fun to read up on. Okay, the typing part's still classified manual labor. And considering the proportion of work to my age ratio, it's pure child labor (lol). But still. It IS kinda fun. Reading about something and knowing and deducing on your own about it. The crux of the work now comes down onto the term papers. They are 4000-5000 word analytical and critical, detailed essays on some burning issue in any particular subject. The subject that's currently concerning me is Organizational Behavior. The topic in this is on motivation. Has it changed face to seem like control and terrorizing in the name of enhanced performance boosting. Mighty interesting thing to study there. So it's back to college and hostel again. End of holiday. To add to it all, I may have a dragon to deal with on my return. Being hit listed for a day's unprecedented absence? You've goto be kidding me. What's with the back to school - kind of operation? Talk pressure management. Pressure should be academic and work related. Not a weapon for morale and constitution assassination. It's unbecoming of a professional institute to try and break the constitution of a student in the name of handling pressure. More academic work load? - Bring it on baby! More assignments? - Where's the party? More impromptu presentations? - Ooh La La. Brainstorming? - Can you see the wild excitement in my eyes? B-School is about all that! Not about fighting for water heaters or better rotis or Saturdays off. But like my folks tel me, you want that, learn to manage this. Sure. I'm giving it my best shot. Well.. maybe not my best shot. But I AM keepign my cool and gritting my teeth and getting on with it. But my question is, WHY in the name of all that's holy in the heavens am I supposed to keep up with this mediocre take on pressure? Such crass interpretation of measures for building a strong constitution and sustainable work ethic in the minds of the future corporate citizens can be nothing else but mediocre. But I suppose this kind of psyche is passed on from the upper strata from which the one I'm victim to takes all its inspiration. If that IS the case, then its too bad that the purity of sacred work and individual relationship, the Zen philosophy that says individual and his/her work are but one and the same, has been left to rot away to glory. I believe in that Zen philosophy. Indeed, work is but an extension of self expression. How you do something, the way you do it, and wholly, WHAT you do, speaks for you. And for me, a person is better off being known for what he does than for who he is or what he looks like. That is a more reliable measure of gauging an individual and understanding if in reality, he/she is worth anything their weight, be it in gold, platinum, or even salt! So how many are game for such a litmus test? Hmm. Time will tell, wont it? ..

Reminescences..

I met two of my best friends from my under grad today. I met them for just a couple odd hours I suppose. The feeling was amazing. I wanted to jump up and down several times when I was with them b'cos I was with them. I didn't know friends could make me feel this great. And now that I'm back to the confines of my abode and net enabled, I feel their absence. I miss them. Already. Been listening to Kahi toh from Jane tu ya jane na for a while now. My awareness of my pathetic tolerance of that pathetic place has just been amplified by my rendezvous with the people who've made life seem like a nice thing. I'll have to go back to that place, those people. That life, again tomorrow. Time is seriously not helping in this regard. Each time I'm home and have to go back again, it's the same sense of not wanting to go. I'd actually rather not go to college itself, honestly speaking. Who needs an mba anyways. How I wish this reiterative soliloquy had some weight. How I wish it mattered and helped shape up decisions and courses of movement. My one friend is already earning and the other will be, soon. I would too. Some time after 2years. It's not entirely that. I believe hostel existence has granted me that kind of freedom. I have access to as much as I can want. But. The fact is.. I'm still supposed to be grappling with what I'd like to call life facts and common sense. It's being attempted to be taught amidst the four walls of a very closed, very sophisticated looking prison. I want out. I want out of all of this. I keep saying it again and again, over and over.. for all my life. But who is ever listening. Not those angels up above, at least. And what has happened to that woebegone unfortunate feeling we call love, all this while? What about it? It's just there, blissfully oblivious to my existence.. showering generosity in places just around and about me. Fate has a sarcastic sense of humour. So why not me too, eh? And then there's this mortal relief for all sorts of challenges life can ever pose - shopping. Which, Gods be praised, does not work for me. I mean, how off COULD I be? I don't really relish shopping. Sorry all you pig headed marketers and manufacturers out there, if you think you've made life a paradise for the fools beneath you, you're sadly mistaken. You can't get to me. In fact, you've never gotten to me. Another abnormality for belonging to the feminine race, I don't really relish shopping. I never seem to find what I want or need. And I'm forever lost. If I find it, I find it immediately. Else, I never do. Stop. Okay, now I'm beginning to wonder.. How much can an average human soul actually complain in a single day? I seem to be bashing all possibly existing records black and blue.. Christ! I belong to the books and records. I deserve to be amongst a lot of music and books worth reading. I don't deserve this mortal struggle for existence crap. What am I going to do even after, lets say, I pass out with a proud mba degree? Go fight for my place in the corporate jungle? Yea right! This is the person you'd expect to go and live for profit maximisation. I'm the last person for that kinda motives in life. And philanthropy isn't exactly what they'd be looking for a corporate aspirant. I still would do all these crazy mad things that are soo not me b'cos... Bcos I don't know why I'm doing them. I really don't. Since when has that mattered anyway.

Faith Vs Logic

Back home for the weekend. I know, I know. It's not exactly the weekend yet. I guess we've got the British to thank for that, for deciding to flee on the very date which happens to fall tomorrow. Anyways. Here I am, This is me. There's no where else on earth I'd rather be(for now at least). Lol. Back to hot water baths and tasty foods, I find my faculties some what over enthu at the very thought of it all. How endearing! Okay. So here goes. It so happened that the other day in my college, we had a debate on "Faith Vs Logic" in the activity hour. There were quite some interesting arguments from either sides. But none very strong. None very impressionable, or so I felt. Can't be blamed for being judgmental. I can't really help if I can deduce and differentiate the cream from the crust. Two very nice questions were posed to either of the parties during the course of the debate. To the Logic group - "what do you think is the logic behind mother's love?" and to the faith group - "What if you found yourself face to face with a tiger, standing next to a tree, would you have faith in God and let fate decide?". Amusing stuff. Personally, I'm all in for the Logic group. I have my reasons. Call me a cynic is you please, but it has been scientifically proven that there is the release of a certain chemical from the mother's body during child birth which causes all of the attachment the mother feels for her child. What else can explain the amount she loves you after all the pain you've caused her? Talking of emotions, now. How many of us are familiar with the existence of chemical substances we call anti-depressants? If a faith theorist were to explain their existence, what would he have in his defense? The very fact that the intake of certain chemicals can alter the way you feel, perceive the world and life in it goes to show that science, the mother of all forms of logic, is behind them all. The very fact that one would undoubtedly run when faced with a tiger, proves one's innately inherent adherence to logical thinking. Faith might tell you to stand there and pray to the lord or goddess of your choice. No offense to the devout lot reading this. Talking of Gods and Goddesses and creations, if you would be so kind as to just observe the patterns laid down for the cycle of birth in the Hindu Dharma, one would understand that the Logic of Karma, or what we call, the Karma theory, is behind it. Bible says too, As you sow, so shall you reap. That is the purest form of the logic of tit for tat. I will go one step further to say, logic is the foundation of faith. Your sense of logic tells you it's safe to have faith in certain such and such events or things or people. Hence you place your faith on them and support them with all the agression and vigour life permits. So you see, Logic beats the pulp out of faith. It beats 'em all. More than anything, it makes sense! ... Say What?

Back to Business..

It's time to go back to hostel. And obviously I don't want to go. It's interesting to note human nature. The way we get used to something. The way we tend to build comfort zones wherever we are, wherever we go, whatever we do. Always.. Always we manage to locate scope for developing comfort there. And now I have to break this comfort zone and get back to fighting with the discomfort there on a daily basis, yet again, until it's next week and I'm off again. But there's something to look forward to next week. so i guess i'l go, willingly

I am Home.

Sounds like the serene opening or closing line of a movie that talks of great struggle and peace and calm in the end, doesn't it? Lol.. Well, in my case there's no such luck of a happy climax scene.. yet! It's a brief sojourn I'm talking about. Mom came over to spend some time with granny and me, with mom. Life feels so normal and nice and livable again. It seems much less like a struggle it's made out to be back in the hostel. I sleep, quite well. I eat, healthy stuff. I am back to normal, in ways. These two days that I've gone to college from home, have given me a nice new perspective to think about - Life of the day scholars. My conclusion with reference to academics remains unchanged though. Hostlers have all the time and no resources. Day scholars have all the resources and no time. What a life! I've gotten so used to the day scholar way of life in these 2-3 days that I'm not so happy at the prospect of going back to the struggle there. Obvious, i guess. Fact is, the environment there is so.. unmotivating. Not just the hostel, but the college as such. I suppose the management is doing all in its power to make life better for everyone. But, I guess I'm just in a different league. The same old feeling of not fitting in. I seriously wonder sometimes. I haven't felt like I fit in anywhere till now. Where the hell am I ever going to fit in at this rate? Honestly speaking, formal mode of education was never my thing. I've been brought this far. I don't have a choice but to finish what has been initiated by the people in my life. And then..? And then.. I don't know. Let my destiny decide. Or maybe.. my whims? Hmm..

Good Lord, Hostel It Is

Away I went to the hostel. What an experience. It's been exactly 2 weeks now and I already feel it. By the end of the 1st week it felt like I'd lived in hostels for all my life. I was surprised at how fast I could adapt myself to that kind of life. I took to it so soon. I missed Mom and the fun time in the evenings with Coco (my 1yr old pup). By the end of one week it was an urge to get out of there. At the end of 2nd week now, it feels like I've been doing this for ages. Strange how soon you adapt to change in life. Stranger still, how an adamant and uncompromising soul like me settles down so fine. Love life on rocks. Nothing new in that. Just, too bad. I have to stop pitying myself. Academic life on the other hand, full on. It's exacting! Just the pre term courses are on still and we already have loads to read and stuff. Not fair. Considering we don't have access to the internet as yet. Me being a net addict am finding it a bit hard to survive. Estimates say at least another month before we are net enabled. Long wait, I say. Funny thing is, I'm a person who ranked love above a lot of things in priority charts. And I'm the one who gets the glorious opportunity to sit around and watch the last few feathers fall off. I'm so eager to finish my post grad and get kicking. Also I find it a little hard to act my age and not let my true irresponsible self on the leash. Contradicting emotions, I know. Nothing new on that. Listless detached wandering ghost. I'm loving it.